ugh.
that's all I have to say about that.
I know. I know. I KNOW. I can hear people now: it took you 10 months to gain the weight, it will take time for it to go away.
I'm not trying to Giselle Bunchen, Victoria secret the baby weight off. It's just that with my current state of mind AND body, I'm struggling.
I love my new job as a Mama, but at the same time I am struggling with finding my old self. It's a very precise chemical balance, becoming a new Mom + still being the person you once were.
Here's the thing. I'm 20 pounds over weight. Meaning I'm 20 pounds heavier than when I became pregnant. That's not that bad. People lose 20 pounds all the time, all over the world. BUT It's the heaviest I've ever been (without being pregnant) and I do not recognize the woman in the mirror. I look at her, she looks back at me, but she's not me. It's someone else entirely.
I'm also breastfeeding exclusively and very nervous about losing my milk supply. I already have a small milk supply. 2-4 ounces each feeding (if we are lucky). Noi is growing and gaining weight just fine. She's getting plenty to eat, but I'm worried we won't make it to my imaginary 6 month breast feed only marker I have built up in my head.
What's more important? Having breast milk or having a happy Mama? I want both damnit. Can't I have both?
I've started walking and running a bit and starting to cut out sugar, flour, and all refined foods, basically a laid back version of Whole30. I was doing great, until I got sick of having to cook every meal (OMG!). Then I reverted back to my same old habits, scarfing down Hawaiian Sweet rolls by the dozen while nursing Noi and trying to do laundry, sew up some quilts and find clothes that fit my new very flabby body. I'm going to continue to eat better, it's important for everything (weight, health and breastmilk).
I even bought and have taken some "breast milk enhancing" pills such as Blessed Thistle and Fenugreek. Seem to work, I guess. Maybe it's in my head, but it can't hurt.
I know I sound petty and I should just GET OVER MYSELF, but you know what, it's my life and this is the way I feel. I'm sure there are plenty of other Mom's out there who feel the same exact way. Your not trying to fit into you size 2's anymore, but you sure as hell would love to fit into you size 8's without having a massive muffin top hanging over or worse, just leaving the unbuttoned because there's no way you are getting them buttoned. My size 8's button's are hanging on my a thread. It's scary.
Also, I refuse to buy bigger clothes which just makes getting dressed that much more depressing because everything in my closet was pre-baby (obviously), which means size 00, 0 and 2's because my skinny ass used to be petite. I'm still petite in my stature and I don't need to be a size 0 again, I just need to recognize the woman in the mirror.
By the way, breast feeding has not helped me lose weight in any fashion, so I'm not sure where those rumors came from. I must be the 1 in 100 exception. My fat wants to STAY.
I know I'm the 100 millionth woman to struggle with this. It's not new, but I needed to talk about it an put it out there.
If you need me, I'll be walking till my feet are sore and eating a lot of grilled chicken and kale.
